


time and time again

by thewxntersxldier



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz is hurting, Fangirl, I hope this is good because I haven't betaed it yet, I'm still looking for a beta, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's extremely mild but still triggering for some, It's not smut but thinges get a lil' heated towards the end, LMAO, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Book: Carry On, Simon Snow - Freeform, SnowBaz, Snowbaz angst, This my first AO3 fic so please leave comments and constructive critisism are welcome, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch - Freeform, depressed baz ;(, i love my boys sm, im such a loser, mutual pining in a way, rainbow rowell, snowbaz fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 11:55:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16017404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewxntersxldier/pseuds/thewxntersxldier
Summary: Simon and Baz went their separate ways two years ago. But by coincidence, they both happened to have been at the same bar on the same Friday night, and managed to both get stupidly drunk.After unknowingly flirting and sleeping with each other due to much to drink, Baz wakes up in a haze but then remembers every that happened the night before and everything gets too much. When Simon wakes and realises what happened, will he stay, or will the memories of Baz's apartment be too much for Simon to handle?TW: IMPLIED/REFERENCED SELF-HARM IN CASE YOU DIDNT READ THE TAG. PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING THIS ALTHOUGH THIS IS VERY MILD, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DON'T READ IT IF IT'S TOO MUCH !!!!





	time and time again

**BAZ**

The sun was just rising as I opened my eyes, before a massive hangover headache hit me. I winced.

I looked over at my clock.

_10:47am._

I had woken in my normal position. My hand raised above my head on my pillow and my hand resting on my stomach, my head tilted to the side.

Except my hand wasn't resting on my stomach, in fact I couldn't even feel it there. It was resting on something else, that rose and fell. From my chest down I was engulfed in warmth. And I was naked?!?

I opened my eyes properly and looked down onto the sleeping face of Simon Snow. My ex-boyfriend.

He looked so peaceful, his lips parted gently, and his arms where thrown around me, his head resting on my chest.

I pushed him aside gently, and sat on the side of my bed, grabbing my boxers from last night and slipping them own. I rested my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands, I sighed and got up, grabbing a soft grey t-shirt and slipping it on before exiting the room.

**SIMON**

My eyes fluttered open. Sunlight streamed in through the curtains, blaring directly into my eyes. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I realised, that one, I was butt-naked, and two, this wasn't my room. I raised my head. The room was strangely familiar, like I had lived here before and oh fuck.

I was in Baz's room. My ex of 2 years. Memories flooded back into my head from last night, the giggling, the clothes being stripped away, the fucking, the after. And shit, I'd slept with Baz.

**BAZ**

I sat at the breakfast bar, tears threatening to roll down my cheeks. It had been two years since we'd broke up. Two, whole, years. Two years of utter heartache and pain and depression.

Two years without Simon to hold me during the hardest times, when everything felt like it was crashing down onto me.

Two years of living in this cold apartment, where everything reminded me of Simon but I couldn't bare to move on, so I spiralled deeper and deeper into the void of nothingness.

And now he was back. He was probably going to march out of my room, yell at me and storm out, slamming the door shut behind him.

This was too much, I hadn't taken my pills, it was too early, and I was too broken.

**SIMON**

I left the room finally, shutting the door quietly, in my jeans that I'd found on the floor from last night, but my shirt was nowhere to be found.

I saw Baz, sitting at the breakfast bar, his head in his hands, and his shoulders were shaking. A mug of something was perched in front of him and something else that was sharp and silver looking. He went to pick up the silver thing, but I knew what he was trying to do and I couldn't let it happen.

Before I knew it, I half yelled, "Baz, No!" My voice wavering with worry, I approached him and took the knife away, setting it down on the other counter. I looked over at him, he was shaking and tears were streaming down his face.

"Hey," I said softly, going over to him, and taking his hands in mine, "It's alright," I whispered, putting my arms around him and holding him close, stroking his forehead, and brushing the dark strands away from his eyes.

I missed him. I really did, I can't even remember why I left. I regret leaving, I really do. I miss this, us. Walking around London holding hands and kissing in the middle of Trafalgar Square. Leaning on each other while watching some stupid rom-com.

I missed holding him, kissing his face, his hands, his lips, his neck.

I miss being able to wake up next to him on a Sunday morning and making pancakes at one in afternoon, laughing ourselves silly.

I miss every part about him and if I could take back walking out suddenly, I would in a heartbeat.

**BAZ**

Simon held me. Even though he wasn't mine anymore. Even though I was an utter mess, he still did. Stroking my hair and shushing me, holder me tighter while I held onto him for dear life.

He smelt like cinnamon and burnt firewood, the smell so comforting and familiar. I hadn't expected any of this, I thought he would just leave and never speak a word.

I didn't realise until now that my heart still ached for him. That I still remembered the taste of his lips and smile that would spread across his face. And I was still in love with him.

He finally pulled away, holding the sides of my face tilted towards his.

"You gonna be okay?" He said softly, stroking my cheeks with the pads of his thumb.

I nodded slightly and stared up at him, my arms still wrapped tightly around his bare torso.

"I'm sorry about last night. I-" I started but he cut me off, pressing a hand to my mouth.

"Shush," he told me softly, "I never got say this, because I was angry when I left, I couldn't see through the haze, and I only realised after I left what I had done. I tried so many times to call you, but I always chickened out, I've never stopped thinking about you. I've missed you so much, I know I shouldn't be saying this because I know you hate me, but I had to tell you."

I stared at him, feeling more tears threatening to roll down my cheeks. He still loved me? After all this time. 

"What I'm trying to say," he continued, even softer than before, "is that I still love you, and I've never stopped loving you." He took a deep, shaky breath, I felt his grip on me start to loosen, but I tightened mine, feeling confidence start to well up in for the first time in months. 

"I love you too."

And before I knew it, I had stood up, and was taking his face my hands, and I was kissing him. It was sloppy and desperate, but that's what we did best.

Then he was kissing me back.

Our hands were everywhere, mine tangled in his hair, his arms tight around my waist and pulling me impossibly closer. Our teeth clashed and our foreheads knocked together, but it had been too long, and neither of us cared. I felt myself being pushed back, until my back hit the wall. His body trapping me, although I was pinned, he was still as gentle as he always had been. His kisses were soft and tender, yet demanding and hot.

I missed him. I missed us. I was plagued with nightmares and every time I woke up sweating and crying and panicked, he would hold me until I could breathe again, keep telling it's okay and I was safe.

The first few months were torture. I would wake up, alone, and I'd spend the next three hours alone, shaking and scared out of my mind.

But he was here right now. His mouth against mind, our bodies twisting and colliding. And nothing can hurt him, not even me. The fact Simon Snow is alive, and I'm hopelessly in love with him.

Because it's the good things that hurt when you're missing them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I started back in April and then scrapped but I came back to it a few weeks ago and finally finished it.  
> I hope everyone liked it.  
> I had a lot of trouble with the ending so I just decided to use some quotes from the book to end it because I was so clueless.


End file.
